Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
