how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i wish my penis had a tongue
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We have so much sex to catch up on
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
