So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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