That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
please come you make the beer taste better
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
