went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
