I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
