a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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