Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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