You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
