before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
