Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
