I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
