I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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