My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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