walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
