I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
