New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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