I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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