FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
