I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
