She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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