if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
