How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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