Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
