wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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