Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
