i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
