Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
