great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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