Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
