I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
