If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
