Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
