I skipped work to stalk him.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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