just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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