Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
