He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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