I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
