no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
