this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
