you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
