yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
