felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
