theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
