yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
