sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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