am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
