my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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