new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
