i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I just gargled with NyQuil
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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