someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
