shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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