I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
